09242017Headline:

Patriot Act Contains a “Santa Clause”—WARNING! Santa Recruited to Head the NSA

 

Image via Flikr Creatinve Commons courtesy of Kevin Dooley

Image via Flikr Creative Commons courtesy of Kevin Dooley

BY KRISTEN LAMB

It’s that time of the year! The wrapping, the carols, the cider and singing and spying…SPYING? Did anyone read The Patriot Act before signing it? Did they notice the fine print? The “Santa Clause”?

After the whole Edward Snowden whistle-blowing debacle, the Obama Administration and the Intelligence community have been up to their ears in hot water and bad press. Spying on regular citizens with no cause or warrant? Invading privacy and throwing the 4th Amendment out the window? Reading our e-mails? Monitoring our Internet? Those activities are just the sort that create an image problem.

Thus, sources tell me (sources being the voices in my head) that, in order to get back in the good graces of the American public, the Obama Administration has decided to appoint Santa to head up any future intelligence operations. Come on, Santa IS the perfect fit.

HE KNOWS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING

He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

All I’m saying is why didn’t they recruit this guy earlier? How much money could we have saved locating Osama bin Laden? One would think that being omniscient is an automatic YES! for being hired to the NSA. Um, duh?

HE TRAVELS AT BEYOND LIGHT SPEED

This guy travels the world faster than Google. Think of how much more efficient spying would be if we could do it as fast as Santa can hop down a few hundred million chimneys, eat cookies, take time to nicely stack presents and LEAVE…WITH NO TRACE.

Which brings me to my next point…

HE IS UNTRACEABLE

People have been searching for this guy for CENTURIES yet he still leaves no evidence…even after the invention of DNA profiling. IN, OUT, GONE. Perfect recruit for the Intelligence world. He’s never even been located on radar. Maybe Santa could instruct our government how he makes the sleigh the perfect stealth aircraft. Maybe we’ve been underestimating “Reindeer Technology.” We could TOTALLY use that kind of help.

ENEMIES WOULD UNDERESTIMATE HIM

Santa shows up, and all the bad guy is thinking is one of two things:

1) Why is some guy from the mall dressed as Santa at my house in JULY?

2) OMG! It’s TOTALLY freaking SANTA!

Nobody expects to be capped by SANTA. No one pulls out a weapon or thinks of self defense when faced with this cherub-faced man known for his superlative gift-giving skills. Santa could double-tap any ruthless dictator before they could ask, “Hey, did you bring me that nuclear device I asked for in my letter?”

SANTA HAS MORE DOUBLES THAN SADAAM HUSSEIN EVER HAD!

Even when the bad guys (known as the American public) catch on that Santa is in charge of the NSA, what can we do about it? He has doubles EVERYWHERE and thing is?

…..We never know which one is real.

This man is the perfect spy.

SERIOUS WORK ETHIC

Santa builds then delivers billions of gifts and is paid in MILK AND COOKIES. This guy not only works cheap, but he’s FAST, so he could work for ALL our security agencies—NSA, CIA, FBI, ICE, and Facebook.

HE ISN’T A REAL PERSON

This is really key because I’m pretty sure that imaginary creatures can’t violate the Constitution. Also, since he’s apparently immortal, we wouldn’t have to offer dental, health care or retirement planning. This dude works FOREVER and he’s got roughly nine months of the year free.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

The government could keep spying on regular citizens because we just accept that Santa’s been doing it for centuries and we never griped before. He’s not only been reading our mail, but our THOUGHTS.

I mean right now, we’re looking at our government through Brave New World glasses. What better way to improve their public image than have SANTA as the face of Intelligence?

HE GIVES GIFTS!!!

At least we’d have a trade-off for losing our constitutional right to privacy. PRESENTS!

The Administration needs to recruit Santa NOW before someone else does.

****

Kristen is the author of the new best-selling book, Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World in addition to the #1 best-selling books We Are Not Alone—The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer. She’s a contributing humor blogger for SocialIn, a blog that reaches 2.5 million and blogs for The Huffington Post. You can also follow her author blog here.She is also the Social Media Columnist for Author Magazine. Feel free to follow her on Twitter at @KristenLambTX and on Facebook.

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